Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
You Might Also Like
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
greetings!
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now