*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
fixed it
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?