me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.