I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
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don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
#MeanwhileinCanada
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype