Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Okey dokey.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Don’t tell me what to do
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.