Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain