Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Good morning!
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.