My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“