None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.