I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
i really liked this one
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Boom, boom, ching!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.