Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want