I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
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Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
For those that worship cheese..
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.