If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
He’s cranky this morning
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.