I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining