The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
You Might Also Like
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.