People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
When I laugh on my period
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell