Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Got ya covered
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
My love language is hissing.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
That’s easy for you to say
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365