if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
This was my dad’s browser history.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans