Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.