asked my bf how work was today
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them