some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Doctors texting each other.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor