Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine