I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”