If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
so much to do
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
who will stop them
#JohnTravolta
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
She was REALLY feeling it.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….