Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.