*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.