What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.