An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer