The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Pass gas, not judgment.