In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.