I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
What number SPF blocks people?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Somebody’s lying.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious