NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?