found my next D&D character name
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if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
okay run it by me one more time
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
2023 was just a warmup
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.