RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy