I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.