What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*