My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !