I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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Every work call, he judges.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Bros before Ohioes
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it