Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.