me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
You Might Also Like
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.