Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.