Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now