Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
OH. COME. ON.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
“You drive, I’m tired.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes