Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be