5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”