Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You Might Also Like
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Who.
Did.
This?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.