Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.