I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”