wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
sigh
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Tier 3 meme