If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
the short answer to this question
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.